[ William ] Now, look,
there's a little private thing I'm going to tell you.
But you absolutely mustn't tell anyone else, okay?
- Of course. - Well, you say that,
but this is a peculiarly strange person to have, um,
got involved with.
It's not Fergie, is it?
No, Mum, it's not Fergie. You don't want to get involved with Fergie.
She'll spend all your money, make you suck her toes.
She'll run off with the first bald man who takes her fancy.
- Lady Helen Windsor is lovely. - Oh, yes, she's gorgeous.
You know what? The strange thing is,
it's not a member of the royal family at all.
The truth is-- And you must keep this an absolute secret.
I have sort of got to know,
uh,
Anna Scott, in fact.
- Who? - No, Mum, you know her. You know her.
We watched a film of hers on the telly at Christmas.
Come on. Anna Scott. Anna Scott. She's incredibly famous.
Oh, yes, that's right. Splendid.
Ooh.
Now, how are things at the bookstore?
No, no. Stop. Wait. You can't end the conversation there.
Try to take this in, Dad. This is like the equivalent in your generation...
of you going out with Vivien Leigh or Grace Kelly.
- Poor Grace. - What's that mean, "Poor Grace"?
What a terrible way to die. Those poor children.
I'm not talking about how she died.
I'm talking about how incredible it would have been to kiss her when she was alive.
I remember the first time I kissed your mother.
Now, be careful here, darling.
No, no. Wait, wait. We're drifting again, aren't we? We're drifting.
Remember, we were actually talking about me and Anna Scott.
I do remember her now. She's that pretty girl, isn't she?
- Looks a bit like Mavis. - Dear Mavis. Hmm.
- Arthritis is such a bugger. - Poor thing.
Okay.
How's Deirdre?
Prepare for the pudding.
Which I think is ice cream on its own.
Ice cream, Caroline? Absolutely.
Pile it on.
So, Caroline, what do you do?
Sorry. I'm not with you.
What do you do as a job?
Oh, gotcha. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. Sorry. [ Laughing ]
Duh.
Oh-- No. Um--
- Right. No. I teach, actually. -All right.
All right. What age?
I'm 2 8, come November. Uh-huh. Oh.
And, um,
how old are these children you teach?
Oh, God.
Is that what you meant?
Sor-ry.
Half my brains just scooped out with a great big spoon.
Um-- Uh, no.
Sorry. Um--
What was the question?
Uh, how old are the children you teach?
Actually, they're not children. They're dogs.
Oh.
And they come in all ages.
[ Bernie ] Ice cream, Caroline?
Challenging stuff, I imagine.
Cold. Cold.
[ Bernie ] Coffee?
No.
"Message from Command. Would you like them to send in the H.K.'s?"
No. Turn over four T.R.S.'s, and tell them we need radar feedback...
before the K.F.T.'s return at 1900.
Then inform the Pentagon we'll need Black Star cover between 1000 and 1215.
If you say one word about how many mistakes I made in that speech,
I'll pelt you with olives.
"Very well, Captain. I'll pass that on straightaway."
Thank you. How many mistakes did I make?
- Eleven. - Damn it.
- And, Wainwright-- - Uh, Cartwright.
Cartwright, Wainwright, whatever your name is,
I promised little Jimmy that I'd be home for his birthday.
Could you get a message through that I may be a little late? - Certainly.
- And little Johnny? - My son's name is Johnny?
- Yep. - All right, well, then get a message through to him too.
- And, um, Cartwright goes. -Jesus, that guy's a pain in the ass.
Actually, you feel rather more strongly about him.
Christ, that guy's a fucking pain in the ass.
But... who does he like to--
Christ, that guy's a motherfucking pain in the ass.
Brilliant. Well, pretty much word perfect, I'd say.
What do you think? I think it's gripping.
Yeah? You know, it's not...
Jane Austen.
It's not, um, Henry James, but, uh,
it's gripping. You think I should do Henry James instead?
Well, I'm sure you would be great in Henry James.
But, you know, this writer-- writers-- they're pretty damn good too.
Well, nobody ever has the nerve in Wings of the Dove...
to say things like "Christ, that's guy's a motherfucking pain in the ass."
Exactly. And for me the book is the poorer for it.
Dinner in half an hour.
Stop. Stop. What are you getting?
Wait and see and be amazed.
Great photos, by the way.
Spike is from which planet?
Um, it's called Wales.
- And his job is? - A problem area. He claims to be a musician.
What instrument?
Well, that's the problem. None that we know of.
- Voilà! - Ah.
- It's pizza. - Yes. All my faves.
Cheese and ham for the simple folk,
mighty meaty with extra spicy beef...
and extra sausage for the man-size man,
and...
carnival calypso for the queen of Notting Hill.
Uh, pepperoni, pineapple, with a little extra pepperoni.
Fantastic.
I didn't mention that, um,
Anna's a vegetarian, did I?
I've got some parsnip stew from last week.
If I just peel the skin off, it'll be perfect.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Th-The phone.
Yes.
- It's ringing. - That's right.
Well, shouldn't one of us answer it? No.
No. It'll be a journalist.
Oh. Right.
Excitin'.
Hello.
Hang on. It's for you.
No. No, I-I really don't want to talk to anyone.
Okay. Sorry, Anna.
He doesn't want to talk to you.
It's almost impossible to believe that you did that.
If idiocy were a sport, you would be Olympic champion.
There'd be gym shoes named after you.
So if she rings again,
you want to talk.
She won't, um,
ring again.
Oh! Oh.
Spike.
Although our cameras have not been allowed into the wedding or the reception,
we have been able to get an exclusive interview...
with William Thacker's best friend, Basil Cargill.
Basil, what's the story?
Uh, it's Spike, actually.
Basil's my official Christian name,
but nobody's called me that in donkey's years.
Fair enough. Spike, what's the story?
I don't know. I suppose my dad was such a huge fan of Spike Milligan.
But my mum wanted Basil because that was my dad's name,
and when push came to shove--
No, no. I mean, what's the story...
about your flatmate, William Thacker, and Anna Scott?
Oh, right. I thought you meant what's the story...
with my being called Spike instead of Basil.
Come to think of it, I can't imagine why you'd be interested in that.
No. Quite. Though you never know.
There's a lot of this real people TV stuff around at the moment,
so people might be, you know, intrigued.
I mean, my own story itself, Alastair, is quite a fascinating one.
I came from a very deprived area in South Wales.
There she was, stark naked, in the bathroom.
She looked pretty exhausted to me.
William, ironically nicknamed "Floppy,"
is a very attractive, athletic young man.
Though, it must be said,
he often says to me on sexual matters,
"Spike, I yield to the maestro."
Thank you very much. Enjoy your meal.
Have the sea bass. It's terrific.
Oh, here you go. Ah, golly.
So, do we think the food's improved?
Better than eating at Max's place. Oh, now.
Excuse me. Do you think I could have your autograph?
Sure. What's your name? Yeah. Uh--
Graham.
So, Bill, Max.
how is life in the fast lane?
Well, uh, it's all, um,
nice and complicated.
You know. Like everything in life, it's got its ups,
and it's not exactly quite so up at the moment.
But, um--
I don't know. When you--
When you love the girl,
it's, uh--
it's all worth it in, uh,
the end.
Does that answer your question?
Yeah.